I became a mom at 18. Yes 18. I was young and naive and had absolutely no idea what I was doing at first. I took classes, I got books, I did everything I could to prepare for my little girl.. but there are something that you can not be prepared for. I spent the first six months of her life questioning if I was ever doing it right. If by us being by ourselves has meant that I had failed her, and I struggled immensely with the fact that my beautiful daughter didnt have someone to call daddy. I looked up everything, good and bad about young woman without their fathers. I studied ways to help her be successful without him. I still managed to cry about twice a week until she was nine months old. Like I said, there are just something that you can not prepare yourself for. The amazing thing was though, between eight and nine months Lilah's dad saw her, twice a week for a few hours. I was so lost without her I would go crazy, and I spent a lot of that time without her crying as well. Now there he was and I was without her, and I was so scared and uncertain about everything. I felt like I was losing her. I remember the first time I was without her, I sat in my car crying into a gallon of ice cream. Sound insane I know, but trusting someone with your baby who wanted nothing to do with her for nine months is hard. That ended as soon as it started, but this time when he left and it was just us... I was ok. I was happy. I was content. I knew that if someone could be around such an amazing child for even a few hours every week and then just give her up like she was nothing, then they were clearly mistaken. Shes smart, ambitious, beautiful, driven, stubborn, incredibly happy. Yes, shes happy. Happiness. I realized then that she was happy before he was a part of her life and shes happy still, even though hes come and gone. That was the last time I cared so much about him being there. When my anger flares up that hes absent its rarely because shes missing him, I dont believe shes ever expressed missing him. I do get angry though. I get angry that he doesnt want to know this incredible little person, who shares half of his DNA. Im angry that he can be an incredible father to his other child and dismiss this child like she is nothing. I hate that, because god forbid one day she realizes that and she feels like she is littler, that she is less, that she isnt worthy. If that day ever comes I can see my heart laying on the floor barely beating because its been ripped out of my chest. I pray everynight that, we never see that day. That she never feels that way and she never questions her worth. But in the meantime I try to prepare myself for that day, if it ever rears its ugly head. But i must remind you, my friends. There are something in life that you can not prepare for, and my biggest fear is that, this is one of them.